the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
