just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
