oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
