I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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