the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
