wrigley field is MILF paradise
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
