matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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