who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
