Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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