I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
