i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
