Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
