now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
