Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I did not marry a roomba.
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