Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
