Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
