When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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