I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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