A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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