whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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