Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
