I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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