I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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