Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
