All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
