i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
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