he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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