He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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