meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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