Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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