Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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