I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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