i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I showed him my bush... on skype.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
