You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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