So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
