I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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