Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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