the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
