Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize