I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
