Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
