Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
