just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
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