there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
