proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
My penis needs a shock collar
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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