Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
