i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
