I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
