Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
