Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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