The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
