Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
