**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
