So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
