i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
