so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
