Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
