Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
