ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I came so hard my ears popped.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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