just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
