ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
