textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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