if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
