3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
